Midnight Baby Support

Becoming a parent often puts a strain on your close relationships including the one with your partner, regardless of what they were like before.

The change from a couple to a family of three, or possibly more, can be one of the biggest transformations you face when you become a parent.

While there are challenges in bringing up a baby — during the first year in particular, some couples grow stronger as they find a new respect for each other as parents and share experiences that bind them together. If you are experiencing any relationship problems after having a baby, it can help to deal with the issues you face as they happen. 

Part of the problem is that you're tired and have so much less time to spend with friends, family or your partner than you did before the baby arrived.

It's a lot harder to go out together and enjoy the things you used to do. If you have a partner, they may feel left out, and you may resent what you see as a lack of support.

But the stage when babies and children take up all your physical and emotional energy doesn't last forever.

New parents are often short of time too. The hours previously used for socialising, relaxing and domestic tasks can be sharply reduced, and this can change the dynamics of a relationship.

Money — or lack of it — can also be a cause of stress for couples. For many new parents, adjusting to life on a reduced income or one salary can be especially challenging. Often, there are emotional issues underpinning money rows, such as the loss of financial independence or feeling the pressure of having to provide for the family

If you're having your first baby, you may feel lonely and cut off from your old life.

 With a first baby, their arrival can mean that two people who were the most important ones in each other’s lives now have a third (or more with twins or multiples) very important person to think about. Some parents find this transition difficult, struggling with the fact they are no longer at the forefront of their partner’s mind.

Partners can feel sidelined as mum concentrates on their child. Equally, some women may feel like they disappear as everyone focuses on the new baby. Mum may feel that her role is to simply care for and feed the baby rather than be a partner or person in her own right.

It’s important to acknowledge how roles might change and how this can make both parents feel. It’s also helpful to talk through each other’s day together to find out what’s been positive or challenging and to gain an understanding of the other’s day.

If you have a partner, make time for each other when you can. Do little things to make each other feel cared for and included.

However close you were before the baby was born, your partner can't read your mind. Both your lives are changing, and you have to talk about it. You and your partner need to tell each other what you want and what's bothering you if you're resentful, angry or upset.

• Be honest about what you need: do you need a hug or to feel understood?
• It's important to talk about how you want to bring up your children. You may find you don't agree on basic matters like discipline and attitudes.
• Share the housework and childcare so you can have more time together.

It's important to talk about how you want to bring up your children. You may find you don't agree on basic matters like discipline and attitudes.

Find a way of dealing with these issues without disagreeing in front of your child.

If you think a relationship is in danger of breaking down, help is available.

Understand that the type of relationship may change

The physical side of a relationship can also change dramatically — thanks to exhaustion, dealing with the physical and emotional impact of the birth, and the demands of life with a new-born. It can take time to feel like having sex again after birth. 

A positive approach could involve patience, a sense of humour, understanding, and a willingness to find new ways of expressing physical affection until you both feel ready to have sex again. 

Discuss his change with you partner communicate how you are feeling,  remind him that once your body has recovered your feelings toward sex will change.

If you'd like to talk to someone who's not a friend or family, there are lots of ways you can contact a relationship counsellor, some of them for free.

• Relate – the charity offers many different types of relationship counselling
• Click Relationships – this online relationship support includes the Listening Room, a free live chat service where you can talk to a trained counsellor.
• The NCT has information about Changes in your relationships after having a baby

Bringing a baby into your life changes your relationships with family and friends, whether you're part of a couple or single.

Everyone's situation is different. For example, some mothers feel that their own mothers are taking over, whereas others resent the fact their mothers don't help them more.

It's best to be clear about the kind of help you want, rather than going along with what's offered and feeling resentful.

Your relatives are also getting used to a completely new relationship with you. They won't know what to do for the best unless you tell them.

You may find your old friends stop coming to see you, or they seem to expect you to drop everything and go out for the evening.

This can make keeping up with friends difficult, but explain to them how your life has changed. They may not understand the changes you're going through.

Keep in touch and keep some space for them in your life, as the support of friends can be really valuable.

Domestic violence, also called domestic abuse, includes physical, emotional and sexual abuse in couple relationships or between family members.

Domestic abuse against women often starts in pregnancy. Existing abuse may get worse during pregnancy or after the birth.

Nobody has to put up with domestic abuse. It puts your health and that of your baby at risk.

There are lots of ways you can get help:

• talk to your doctor, health visitor or midwife
• women can call the 24-hour freephone National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge, on 0808 2000 247
• men can call the Men's Advice Line free on 0808 801 0327 from Monday to Friday, 9am to 5pm, or email info@mensadviceline.org.uk
• if you're in immediate danger, call 999

Witnessing domestic abuse can have a serious effect on children. Social workers can help you protect your child. If you wish, they can help you take steps to stop the abuse or find refuge.